Everybody adores chocolate. Chocolate is good for Everybody. These are 100% scientifically verified facts recently released from the School of the Television. As I am a member of the community known as ‘Everybody’ I can confirm that I do indeed love chocolate thus thoroughly supporting this theory. I took it upon myself to consume a range of chocolate to comment upon the health benefits and palatability. Due to the cultural phenomenon known as ‘lunchtime’ and a distinct lack of the food product sandwiches,* I resorted to rapidly inhaling a chocolate bar. To forestall the numerous expected accusations of ‘bias’, ‘favouritism’, ‘product placement’ and ‘pica’* I will call the chocolate bar by the assumed name of ‘Saturn Ring’. As I expected, it was highly orally satisfying, or to use the technical term used in the Taste Industry ‘delicious’ and I enjoyed it greatly at the time. However I was also aware that it was not beneficial to my health. Nor was it in actuality bad for me, as long as I continue to limit the reign of the chocolate fiend I confess to possess within me. As it transpired it was a very poor chocolate bar, poor due to its extremely high fat content, its tooth-melting quantities of sugar and the very low proportion of cocoa solids. I have never in my short sugary years* made chocolate nor am I likely to ever make chocolate, yet I pass this brutal judgement on ‘Saturn Ring’ regardless. Although my experience of fermenting cocoa beans can only truthfully be described with a clean unbroken window-pane, I still feel qualified enough to comment on chocolate. This confidence in my chocolate quality analysis abilities arises from having consumed vast quantities of chocolate over time and less importantly from ingesting some literal knowledge about the ingredients and processes involved. This leads to a potentially revolutionary way of chocolate analysis. I know that I can comment on chocolate, discuss chocolate, and criticise chocolate without ever having made a chocolate bar myself. I can recognise poor quality chocolate and good quality chocolate and enjoy or despise both. It may be horrifying when I dare to judge chocolate without ever having ground cacao nibs*, but if I know chocolate is lacking then that is what I know, regardless of how much time and effort went into making it. I can say that without ever having liquefied cocoa mass.
Gosh I love chocolate. More please.
*1- Sandwiches are a product of food?
*2- Why is paper so delicious?
*3- My years are shorter than your years.
*4- It said it on Wikipedia! Wikipedia is the truth of the universe!